Seinfeld: the X 90210 Vampire Slayer Files
George: So... Jerrrry! Are you ever gonna tell us who this 'watcher' guy is? Or are we just gonna follow him, blind as bats! into every little sewer he tells ya too?
Jerry: George, you reaaally need to relax! Has my watcher, and what's the deal with that? Is he watching me all the time? Does he know, what soap I use in the shower? George, remind me, to check my showerhead for a camera.
George: Whatever!
Elaine: So Jerry. What is our mission tonight? Can we hurry it up, I met the cutest guy today, and we've got a.. date *natch* later.
Jerry: Calm your hormones, ms. hocus pocus. I think you've been practising that potion number 9 a little too much.
Elaine: (rolling her eyes back) Whatever...
Kramer slams open the door, and trips on Jerry's throw rug. Crosses and stakes go flying everywhere. The audience goes wild.
Jerry: Hey! Hey! Hey! Kramer! Can you be a little more careful with those deadly stakes, PLEASE?!
Kramer: Whoa. Sorry buddy. Yeeahha, I just get excited whenever we go on these giddyaps!
George: Okay, okay, we're all here now. So where are we going?
Jerry: We're going... Thataway! (points to California)
The gang gathers around as Jerry stands proud, pointing at the window.
Elaine: Jerry, what the Hell are you pointing at?
Jerry: California (goofy grin)
George and Elaine: California?!!
Kramer: Giddyup!
The gang makes it to California, in Kramer's car. I leave that little scene to your imagination. :]
George: Elaine! I can't believe you..
Elaine: Oh shut up! It was your fault you..
Jerry: Quiet people! Can't you smell that? That's the smell of money!
Kramer: (taps Jerry's shoulder) actually, that's my car, it can't take unleaded gasoline.
Jerry: (taking a deep breath) Yeah, well...
Mulder and Scully walk up to Jerry
Mulder: Uh, sir? I think your car is on fire.
Jerry: Yeah, I know! (smiling)
Mulder: That makes it a fire hazard. Are you aware you're putting the lives of these people in jeopardy?
Jerry: Oh, it's okay. If you knew them, you'd be cheering for the car to blow.
Mulder: (whispering to Scully) Either this guy is a complete moron, or some kind of a criminal mastermind looking to establish a stronghold on the west coast.
Scully: (whispering to Mulder) Actually, I think he's too stupid to be either. I'm going with alien.
Mulder: (shockingly to Scully) Dana, I didn't know you had it in you.
Scully: Mr... whatever your name is, are you in need of assistance?
Jerry: No (big smile) we're fine, we're just fine (deep breath).
Later on...
George: Jerry, did you see the redhead? I'm sure she was staring at me...
Jerry: Oh, come on! If she was staring at you, it was because she was trying to identify your wanted poster!
George: No! I'm serious Jerry, (whispering) I think she was undressing me with her eyes.
Jerry: Yeah, and redressing you in prison blues. Get outta here!
George: Elaine, don't you think she was staring at me?
Elaine: Whatever.
George: Kramer?
Kramer: Oh, she was hot for you pal! Yeeahhha, no doubt about it. You're in!
George: (smacking Jerry's soldier)See! I told ya!
Jerry: If you do that again, I'm gonna slay you right here.
Elaine: Please do.
Jerry: Hey, be ni.. Hey, I think that's the vampire over there!
Brenda: Like really David, I could gag!
David: I know it was like... ARRGH!
Brenda: What the... ARRGH!
George: Jerry, how come there not poofing?! Vampires are supposed to go poof! Jerry!
Jerry: I don't know! They looked like vampires!
Kramer: Oh, you're in trouble now, psshew
Jerry: But how could the watcher do this to me?! Unless...
Newman: BAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! I've got you now Seinfeld! HEHEHEHEHHEHE! Watcher indeed! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!
... fin
Pat and the Cat
There once was a Pat.
She had a cat
We called it the Cat of Pat
Neither Pat nor the Cat wore a hat,
but that is that (and not very relevant to this rhyme).
The hatless Pat and her hatless Cat
like to do this and that.
This was here, and that was there,
Where I'm going with this I don't care.
Pat like to leave, her computer on,
Cat liked to browse, when Pat she had gone,
Cat was horné,
and he liked to play,
on the kitty porn sites all the day.
But luckily for Pat,
She'd leave her browser at,
Centropolis deedumdaday, (<=filler gibberish)
So when Cat did log in,
To view kitty skin,
Pat got another log on!
If you really want to know why I've written some of these, feel free to ask. Otherwise, enjoy :)
Taco Bell Theory
If I eat from the Taco Bell restaurant, the particles of digested food within my stomach will accelerate until such time as either:
a] They are slowed down by a counter agent, such as Pepto Bismol or
b] They reach critical mass
If A occurs, then any number of random bowel movements are possible. This is known as "Colon Theory"
If B occurs, then the outcome is one inevitable path. The expulsion of the results of said critical mass in the form of a clear gaseous vapor. Of course, while the gas is clear, when passed thru certain materials, such as white cotton, it will leave evidence of it's passing. This is known as "Skid Mark Theory".
Now, the conclusion of this process is also undetermined ahead of time. This gaseous expulsion can result in several possibilities:
a] It will distribute throughout the entire room, usually dissipating after a while, depending on the ventilation of the area.
b] It will be ignited (as it is flammable) by an outside stimulus, such as a friends lighter or a match. Random sparks have been known to cause the gas to ignite, but this is rare, and has yet to actually be documented.
If A occurs, then other beings within the vicinity of the area of dissipation will detect it thru use of the olfactory nerve. The only way they will not, is if they are ill and their nasal cavity is congested with the common nasal lining secretions, mucous. However, if such is not the case, and those in the vicinity DO detect the emission, then they will begin to curl their mouths in a sneer, and may even shield their nasal receptor if the emission is pungent enough. A resound chorus of "ewww!" and "Who cut the cheese?" will reverberate throughout the room.
If B occurs, then the possiblity of physical harm to the originator of the emission, or those within immediate proximity to the originator. That proximity varies with the amount of molecules involved in the critical mass, and the amount of 'extras' ingested with those molecules. However, if nobody gets injured, then the male subjects in the vicinity will let out resounding guffaws, while the female subjects will most likely dispense advice like "That's disgusting" and "you could burn your @$$ off like that". But there are several possible ways the originator or those in proximity of the originator can become injured.
b1] If the emission is of the explosive type, then those in proximity are in danger of contact burn. While the speed at which the emission ignites is the same, the speed at which that emission is traveling is directly proportionate to the removal of eyebrows of onlookers because they cannot remove themselves from harms way fast enough. Explosive emission is also harmful to the originator as the muscles in the vicinity of the orifice can become unduly strained in such an event. Explosive emissions are commonly referred to as "flame throwers".
b2] If the emission is of the average type (non explosive), then the muscle strain is not an issue, and bystanders are relatively safe from harm. The only participants in danger are the originator, and the antagonist (the guy with the match). If the emission is released too slowly, then the possibility of backdraft is an immediate danger. If it is fast enough to avoid this, then the antagonist is in danger of a plume of fire contacting his exposed face. This is commonly referred to as "The Mushroom Cloud".
Fortunately, the chances of any permanent injury due to any of the above is somewhere in the vicinity of 1 chance in 262,349,002. However, the chances of lasting humiliation ranks a little better, being 1 chance in 5. Fortunately, when one consumes Taco Bell, such a reaction is expected, which is why the ratio isn't higher.
Le Grande (or not so Grand) Introduction
Hi folks! It's me again, Mark. Yes, I've created yet another blog. Not that I'm a blogoholic or anything, but I felt it best to seperate my "passions" into seperate blogs. Now I have one for drawing, one for writing (or more appropriately, "musings") and one for well, me. My mood that is. Most of my writings are fairly short, but a few do go on a bit. So I hope you'll bear with me, and enjoy the ride :)
