Taco Bell Theory

If I eat from the Taco Bell restaurant, the particles of digested food within my stomach will accelerate until such time as either:
a] They are slowed down by a counter agent, such as Pepto Bismol or
b] They reach critical mass


If A occurs, then any number of random bowel movements are possible. This is known as "Colon Theory"

If B occurs, then the outcome is one inevitable path. The expulsion of the results of said critical mass in the form of a clear gaseous vapor. Of course, while the gas is clear, when passed thru certain materials, such as white cotton, it will leave evidence of it's passing. This is known as "Skid Mark Theory".

Now, the conclusion of this process is also undetermined ahead of time. This gaseous expulsion can result in several possibilities:

a] It will distribute throughout the entire room, usually dissipating after a while, depending on the ventilation of the area.

b] It will be ignited (as it is flammable) by an outside stimulus, such as a friends lighter or a match. Random sparks have been known to cause the gas to ignite, but this is rare, and has yet to actually be documented.

If A occurs, then other beings within the vicinity of the area of dissipation will detect it thru use of the olfactory nerve. The only way they will not, is if they are ill and their nasal cavity is congested with the common nasal lining secretions, mucous. However, if such is not the case, and those in the vicinity DO detect the emission, then they will begin to curl their mouths in a sneer, and may even shield their nasal receptor if the emission is pungent enough. A resound chorus of "ewww!" and "Who cut the cheese?" will reverberate throughout the room.

If B occurs, then the possiblity of physical harm to the originator of the emission, or those within immediate proximity to the originator. That proximity varies with the amount of molecules involved in the critical mass, and the amount of 'extras' ingested with those molecules. However, if nobody gets injured, then the male subjects in the vicinity will let out resounding guffaws, while the female subjects will most likely dispense advice like "That's disgusting" and "you could burn your @$$ off like that". But there are several possible ways the originator or those in proximity of the originator can become injured.

b1] If the emission is of the explosive type, then those in proximity are in danger of contact burn. While the speed at which the emission ignites is the same, the speed at which that emission is traveling is directly proportionate to the removal of eyebrows of onlookers because they cannot remove themselves from harms way fast enough. Explosive emission is also harmful to the originator as the muscles in the vicinity of the orifice can become unduly strained in such an event. Explosive emissions are commonly referred to as "flame throwers".

b2] If the emission is of the average type (non explosive), then the muscle strain is not an issue, and bystanders are relatively safe from harm. The only participants in danger are the originator, and the antagonist (the guy with the match). If the emission is released too slowly, then the possibility of backdraft is an immediate danger. If it is fast enough to avoid this, then the antagonist is in danger of a plume of fire contacting his exposed face. This is commonly referred to as "The Mushroom Cloud".

Fortunately, the chances of any permanent injury due to any of the above is somewhere in the vicinity of 1 chance in 262,349,002. However, the chances of lasting humiliation ranks a little better, being 1 chance in 5. Fortunately, when one consumes Taco Bell, such a reaction is expected, which is why the ratio isn't higher.

posted by Mark @ 1:04 AM