The Ballad of Nickle N. Dime
Once upon a spell, in the days of yore,
lived a lawman in tales of lore.
The unknown lawman in the old west time,
this is the ballad of Nickle N. Dime.
He was the greatest sheriff the west ever saw,
He fought the worst, the scum, he upheld the law.
He wrassled with the russlers,
he tussled with the tasslers,
he routed the rebels,
and roused the rabble.
this is the ballad of Nickle N. Dime.
But then one day, Terrible Ted, the Two-Toothed Terlet Tumbler
rode into town on his bull.
Ol' Nickle went out to face Terrible Ted, as he was wont to do,
But that dang old bull slipped in his own poo.
When all was said and done, it was up, old Nickle, his time,
because that dumb old bull couldn't turn on a Dime.
A little bit about me...
When I was born, I was 0.
Then I was raised by wild Leprechauns. They were my family for awhile, until Oprah came along. She adopted me, and stole the Leprechauns gold, then ate them (I think).
I then proceeded to grow up, which was a long and arduous process, and involved the legendary Spear of Longinus more than once. When I grew up, I met Thor. I borrowed his hammer to put up some shelves. After that, he stopped speaking to me. I tried to make it up to him. I sent him the bitchin' est ballpeen hammer. I think that pissed him off more.
I've been struck by lightning 847 times. Coincidence?
After that I went swimming one day, and was swallowed by a giant sea sponge. I don't know how the hell that happened, and frankly, I don't want to know.
I somehow escaped. I won't go into details, but I got hit by lightning again.
That's when I decided to settle down and try out this here "inter-net". I hear Al Gore made it, so it has to be good, right?
The End.
(Pre)Ponderances
I once quoted to Sasquatch, "You know, if you walk a mile in a man's shoes..."
I told the Loch Ness Monster, "you shouldn't really be here." She didn't get it either.
Once, I spotted a Unicorn. But then it started to rain, and the unicorn ran into a tree trying to get away. Now we have Zebras. (think about it)
I once saw a sea monster. But... isn't that idea? Why else would it be called a 'sea (see) monster'?
"C" is for cookie, that's good enough for Cookie Monster. And me.
If "i" before "e" except after "c", well... what the hell made "c" so special?
And what's with all the "C" related ponderances?
If I mix Coca-Cola and 7-up (the 'un-cola'), will the universe explode?
Do Identical Twins occur when God's copy machine gets jammed and He presses the button twice?
Maybe the Platypus isn't an amalgamation of other animals, but rather maybe those other animals happened when a platypus exploded, and each piece took on a life of it's own.
How come super models can't fly under their own power?
A Limerick
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose beard was so long he kept stepping on it.
What? I have no irish in me whatsoever!
Holiday wishings and all that Jazz...
Of course, there are other holidays, but as Hallmark can tell you, they're not nearly as marketable.
But nonetheless, tis the season (or something to that effect), so I wish you all very happy holidays (whichever ones you choose to participate in), and if I don't post in the interim, a happy and safe new year (and don't even bother making resolutions. If you need a changing of the calendar year to inspire you to improve yourself, it's just not worth it).
God bless, and good will towards... reindeer?
Just to let you all know...
Just to let you know, I'm having some health issues, and another hospital stay is likely. So if you don't see me for a bit, you know why.
Holiday Postal Insanity (a Christmas classic)
Three months ago I was a United States Postal Employee.
Today, I still am but that's besides the point.
It was just before the big holiday season, I came to work. I worked. I finished work. I went home. I ate dinner... wait... I think I'm starting too early...hold on a sec..
A couple of days after that. I went to work again. There was mail. Lots of mail. Lots and lots of mail. Lots and lots and lots of mail. Lots and lots and lots and lots of mail (you beginning to see where this is going?). I began to panic. Will I be able to take my usual 30 minutes during my 10 minute breaks? I began to freak out. What if the vending machines run out of mocha coffee and carefree bubblegum? I was going bonkers. I was crazy. I had to pee, I was going to the bathroom.
I exited the bathroom, and continued freaking.
Would I possibly get out early, like I did every Sunday? It seemed highly unlikely. I went back into the bathroom, splashed cold water on my face and tried to calm down. It wasn't working. I went into one of the stalls and unrolled all of the toilet paper like an angry cat. It helped, but I was still a bit freaked. I thought the only thing I could do was go onto the workfloor and try and do my job, and not think about all the mail. But how could I? Mail is my business, and business was far better than I ever wanted it to be.
Nevertheless, I went in, and found an empty terminal. I started keying mail pieces. More mail came. and more... and still more...faster and faster... whizzing by... I had to go to the bathroom again, so I did. when i came back, the mail was still whipping by in an uncontrolled frenzy. I started pulling at my hair. My eyes, dark with insanity and rage, scanned the room endlessly. I was foaming at the mouth now. How could these people toil like this and not go insane too? As my eyes darted from one to the other, the only thing I could remember was my small arms training, a requirement in the post office these days. Not so much for the use of it, but for the knowledge of the power of each weapon, so when the inevitable disgruntled employee comes back to work, you know the best place to take the bullet.
I realized how easily I could take out these overjoyed, high on the holidays simpletons. then i realized, hey, these are my coworkers, these are my friends, hey, have you seen the cost of ammo lately?
So I refrained... As I continued to stare with my bloodlust, I began to doze. My eyelids grew heavier and heavier. I was asleep. (okay, this part I thought of after I woke up). Ahhhh, the pure bliss of a restful repose. When I finally awoke, it was time to go. I was happy, I was free, I had nasty keyboard imprints on the side of my face.
Well, it's 3 months later, and I'm still working for the post office, and I haven't been arrested for the 'sanctioning' of my fellow postal employees (yet). I have found a way to cope with the holiday overload that is common in the postal service. So if your holiday letter is late getting to the one you sent it to, don't complain, just think of this letter and think of the lives you'll save by just keeping your mouth shut. :]
